Quotes of the Funny Variety

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
Eleanor Roosevelt

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.
George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Mark Twain

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men, to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
George Burns

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain

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